It Has Been Soo Long
Posted on 30/10 10:25
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Hi, all. This is Teri. It has been so long since I’ve been on here, and I finally decided it was time to come back. So I just sat down and started doing it. Let’s face it–I’m 45 now, and not getting any younger.
My mind has whirled with so many thoughts since I last posted (I think in 2011), not the least of which is my past coming back to me; kind of ‘reminding’ me of the youth who was scared to talk, scared of her feelings, and almost always listened when someone said ‘I don’t think you could do that.’ I recently watched ‘Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors’; (it came out in 1987 when I was 19); cause “Allison Dubois’ (Patricia Arquette) had a lead role in it, as the suicidal Kristen. And I had a big crush on her, my first adult crush on a female performer.
I wanted to reach through the screen and comfort her myself. ( I had liked ‘Nellie’ when I was 10, my first male crush was Michael J Fox) I also watched Part 2 (1986), though it wasn;t that great–for basically the same reason as part 3: it reminded me of that time in my life, when so much was ahead and I had so many chances to develop as an openly bisexual person. I could also relate to Part 3’s dark theme–Freddy tormenting kids and driving them to suicide attempts; cause I had depression in 1986 (the year I graduated high school) and considered it more than once. I didn;t feel I had much support for who I was ( trying to be nice, having A minus average, and avoiding drugs & smokes apparently wasn;t good enough), and the support I did have wanted to support me into ‘normalcy.’ Fortunately, I could see past the depression with the help of some family, and prayers, and decided that I did basically like this life. ( Now I’m like, I came into the world kicking and screaming, and that’s how I’m going out)
I have also tried to connect with a few high school friends, attended high school football games (my daughter is now a freshman), and look over old albums, awards, and school papers. When visiting my parents, in my childhood home, I think back on the holidays (esp my fave, Christmas), my late grandparents, and how I’d watch Ohio State or Cincinnati Reds games with my dad. I still recall their 1990 sweep over Oakland like it was yesterday. And I worked at Woolworth’s then (5 years total); I was sad to see it close down, and then later to hear that some ex cohorts had passed on. My 5 years at Woolworth’s held some good memories, not the least of which was feeling stronger about myself, getting the chance to earn my own keep, and again–recalling the possibilities that lay ahead for the early-20s me.
These memories all seem to have that theme, the person I was back then. My spiritual director has asked me more than once to consider what God might be saying to me, in these memories. I have felt that there is still that 20 something, bisexual youth who just wants to be heard, stand up for herself, and educate others about people like herself (to see beyond the stereotypes). This election year, where same-sex couples’ rights is again at the forefront, I feel even more strongly than usual. I keep hearing how deviant, threatening to the family, anti-God and ‘dangerous to kids’ we are; like that’s the lynchpin for our country’s troubles. I want to scream ‘what about poverty, child abuse, elder abuse, kids languishing in foster homes, addicts, murders, rapes, prejudice, adultery…’ (well, you get the point (:)
These memories all seem to have that theme, the person I was back then. My spiritual director has asked me more than once to consider what God might be saying to me, in these memories. I have felt that there is still that 20 something, bisexual youth who just wants to be heard, stand up for herself, and educate others about people like herself (to see beyond the stereotypes). This election year, where same-sex couples’ rights is again at the forefront, I feel even more strongly than usual. I keep hearing how deviant, threatening to the family, anti-God and ‘dangerous to kids’ we are; like that’s the lynchpin for our country’s troubles. I want to scream ‘what about poverty, child abuse, elder abuse, kids languishing in foster homes, addicts, murders, rapes, prejudice, adultery…’ (well, you get the point (:)
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Though happily married straight for 16 years, with 2 kids flourishing in Catholic school ( a very good one), my ‘inner self’ of the past (who wanted more acceptance, and more folks to take ‘her side’)is showing she’s still there and needs attention. That the woman-liking, tomboy side is still part of me, as much as the middle-aged, self-employed mom is. I would never again consider taking my life or wallowing in depression. Such a resolve helped me to see more good in life 25 years ago, as I do now. However, that changed nothing about who I was, how I felt and still feel, and the too-prevalent bias that still exists. So I work with both–the good, and not-so-good. The not so good does get me down– but rather than in a hole, it makes me want to ‘show them.’ And now, at age 45, I feel I can; as I wanted to do for a fictional girl in 1987.
Bi for now. I’m baaack!
Teri