Trying To Move On

Posted on 30/12 22:09

It was a warm August week, but I was not happy. Though I loved my job, and was upset to lose it, I think I was more upset at not seeing Lynn again each day. I knew she still didn;t want to see me, but I could still see her. I'd thought she was the prettiest girl I ever saw, and just her physical appeal was enough for me. Well, sometimes my heart lurched for the not-so-distant past, the cold, icy 2002 Christmas when we seemed so close. In fact, I had never changed my office calendar to 2003, it still read December 2002. What it was to me after losing my job was heartache only temporarily relieved by doing things with my kids ( 5 1/2 & 3 then) and re-watching favorite movies. And it was out of all this free time that I heard about a soap with a gay character--none other than the daughter of Susan Lucci's Erica on All My Children. I was in bad need of something affirming, despite the good counselors I was seeing weekly, and this seemed to be it. Thus in September 2003 I joined the ranks of AMC fans, in hopes of seeing a happy, healthy woman who loved women. Sadly, that was not the case, as Bianca was written horribly under a new writer; but my interest in the show stayed. (And brought me a second favorite character--Greenlee, the sweet & snarky gal who would later bring Sabine Singh into my life).

I started keeping in touch with Yolanda, who had become a personal as well as office friend. Two days after leaving, I'd heard from her that Ward-Kaps already replaced me--which validated my suspicions about my job status: they were planning to oust me, despite saying otherwise. Because no way could they have run an ad and hired someone in under 48 hours. I also learned that Yolanda overheard Mr. B 'reassuring' Lynn that 'they were getting rid of me.' Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I'd wanted more of the truth, now I had it--and wished I didn;t. Just another thing to affect my coping. I';d gone from wanting to hide, to being ready to talk, to wanting to hide again. I was embarrassed, esp in facing my parents. I was so grateful to have counseling, where I could rant & 'spill.' It was costly, as insurance didn;t cover it all, but for once, I didn;t mind the extra spending. And I had Yolanda, who reassured me my sexuality was no big deal to her. She didn;t like talking about it every time we met, which was understandable, but I knew she was someone I could talk to. Along with Bobbie Jo, my BF. Tim is cool in discussing it too--but I didn't want to wear him out.

Josie was starting kindergarten, which kick-started me into a new focus & routine. I'd now have the 2 kids in school, but in different places: Josie at Our Lady, Jamie still at Kindercare preschool. Which meant I'd have more personal time now--and time to ruminate. I was almost desperate to find a support group, or person like me, that I could chat with from time to time.

I had started writing on the Lifetime TV advice boards, and I posed my question to them, as well as surfing the net.

September 1 was Labor Day--and for the first time in weeks, a pleasant surprise; one which would color the months ahead.

Bi for now.

Leave a comment