Posted on 14/11 09:36
Hi, back again. I do plan to resume my tale, which left off sometime in 2005, but with the election over, I still find myself thinking about the past– the ideas, goals and even words I wanted to try; but didn’t.
Though I’m 45, part of me still feels the 20-something youth with much to say, and put out there. My kids (14 1/2, 12) say I’m different than the moms of their friends. If only they knew how right they were. But that will be a talk for a later time.
I have thought much about the Chik Fil A scenario, and the nasty comments about GLBT folk that still float around; despite the fact there are so many more, much pressing ‘issues.’ The scenes of my past that I think about, those memories, involve in some way a big crush on another girl, or an opportunity missed. Even an opportunity to speak. I relive some of them, thinking, what I would’ve said then, if I had the temperament I do now. I’m not the outspoken type, and would never do politics. But I feel surer of myself, and can take comfort in the fact that I, despite struggles and putdowns (intentional or not), I have a pretty good life; and can be more open about myself than ever before. It is so freeing.
I still, though, feel the anger and regret about passing up things I liked, or wanted to talk about; partly because of my bisexual feelings. I know now that the lack of real support I got likely contributed to my social awkwardness. I knew then that I wasn’t as ‘mature’ for my age as some peers. I swallowed it, though. I didn’t feel I had any right to complain about anything in my life; as I had it better off than some. I could see in the news about abandoned, abused kids, people in poverty, those kicked around for their color or creed–I wasn’t in any of that.
But I still felt like I wasn’t taken seriously, that my immaturity was just regarded as me being aloof, refusing to ‘try’ and be better. I was just ‘there’, the different one. My one brother was class brain, valedictorian his senior yr of high school. The other, now an accomplished actor & director in dinner theater, was voted ‘class actor’; and, on his graduation day, was approached by another kid’s parent, who was in theater studies at my brother’s chosen college. I had always longed to be a writer, teacher, or do accounting; and part of that has come true (writing as hobby, bookkeeping work).
But my awkwardness got in the way, and I truly feel that, had I gotten more sympathetic counseling (or ears), I would’ve had more confidence to try my interests. And been better able to relate to people, esp young women. I had to navigate the waters of frowned-on crushes, without being able to ask for advice, as straight peers routinely do (parents, sibling, Aunt Mae, etc). I was also tomboyish, and when I had a fantasy about a girl, I pictured myself as a guy.
That continued a few years past college–and no doubt contributed to the discomfort of a few of my roommates. Again, few options for support–parents & other kin wanted me to ‘talk’ but I knew they didn;t really want me to let loose with what I really felt. My fault, though, for not pushing it. People can;t read my mind (I could’ve used Allison DuBois then, for sure).
I have been more comfortable as a female in recent years, and I love being ‘Mom.’ But I am also still my other half–the one who wonders what could’ve happened had she gotten more support, was more mature, and maybe could’ve experienced some passion with a female crush. Maybe I could’ve focused more on the ‘real’ people, and not lived in fantasy romance. Fantasy is nice, but when that’s 90% of what you have, it’s unfulfilling.
For over a year I crushed on Patricia Arquette, who as I mentioned was in my favorite ‘Nightmare’ (part 3), as a troubled girl who touched my heart. (her being blonde and cute certainly was a factor) The feelings were nice, gushy, and ‘right’ (just like when I fell for Tim much later). But fantasy could only take me so far–I had to focus on the real college world around me. And even when I felt an attraction to a guy, the interest wasn’t returned. So I wasn’t ‘winning’ either way–and looking back, I have resentment about all the pressure to change, to conform; instead of just getting help to be who I was. And get past the awkwardness that was a product of such silence.
I wasn’t hurting anyone. I was just a young adult trying to navigate school, crushes, and what career I wanted. I didn’t drink much, didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs, was family-oriented, and still went to church (there was a Catholic center across the street from my dorm). Not perfect by any means–but I still had the right to enjoy my feelings and goals, like everyone else. Today I’m doing much more of that, and am grateful. But I know that bottled-up emotions can drag on you physically–so out comes the past. And I’m sure more will come, as I seek chances to speak about what went on in my head 20-some years ago.
And now, I don;t have to worry as much what people will think–cause I already have an idea!
Bi for now.