To Move On–Again

Posted on 06/04 10:09
My heart was jumping like it hadn't in months, since Lynn had shoved me away. I was more myself in a controlled way, and I was sharing that with Tim & my kids. Just more proof that when the good juices flow, it can affect others, not just you. On February 15, Sunday, I got a late-night IM on Yahoo from Alex, saying hi, hoped I had a good Valentine's day, and she was going to the doctor later, she'd been having dizzy spells. She wanted to be ready for the weekend. I loved any communication with her, and that was like a shot of adrenaline.

Tim & I had a good talk about the upcoming weekend, checking the ps & qs; plus he was wondering what I'd do if she said I could 'experiment' with her. He's always said, maybe that's what I need with a woman I care for--but now that the possibility was real, he seemed concerned. I assured him I wouldn;t do anything he was uncomfortable with. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd do anything at all; I was married. Still, maybe a few kisses, I thought, couldn;t hurt anything.
By Wednesday, I'd chosen a small birthday gift for her, and was doing wheelies in my head. I hadn;t heard from her since Sunday, which was unusual. I decided not to press her with IMs, though, thinking a pushy new acquaintance would be a turnoff. But when I still hadn;t heard by Thursday afternoon, the day before she was to fly in, I got antsy. I recall standing with Tim in the driveway, after we'd washed cars, saying I needed to check this, and he said that was a good idea.
Ah, the famous last words thing.....
Tim went upstairs, the kids were sleeping, when I checked my emails and Yahoo. There was a message waiting for me, about an hour old, from PinkNSweetGirly. I eagerly opened it, and in a few minutes Tim, two floors away, knew it too. It was not from Alex, but Abby--and her words were garbled. On February 17, Alex and her hubby, while going to the doctor, had been in an accident. Both had held on for 2 days--but early on Thursday morning, February 19, Aaron and Alex had passed away within 2 hours of each other.
It was like the shock ending to a Lifetime movie, only this was real, and I wasnt watching TV. I screamed, pounded the computer table, ans stumbled toward the upstairs, crying for Tim. Was a wonder I didn;t wake the kids. Tim held me as I cried, in shock himself. Other details of that night, that weekend, are fuzzy now after 7 years, but the pain was almost as bad as when I'd lost my daily contact with Lynn. At least with her, I had the physical memories of 2002/early 2003 to recall, and she was still alive and kicking. The possibility of some re-connection still existed, no matter how remote.
Alex was gone, the penpal I'd never get to meet and thank in person. And there was the injustice of it all, she had only been 27, married 2 months, looking forward to great life in London. One of her dreams had been to see the Vienna Boys' Choir, and travel around Europe with her hubby on work vacations. I knew she had to be in heaven now, which is the best place for anyone to be, but at the moment, it brought no comfort. I'd never 'speak' to her again or hear her voice on the web mike. I tried not to make it about me, but I couldn't help thinking-- Just when things were on the upswing, in moving forth from Lynn and getting new work, I now had to move forth from Alex as well. And hers was permanent.

Bi for now.

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