Moving Forth–Into 2004

Posted on 05/04 10:38
Holidays are, 99% of the time, my favorite time of year. I love Christmas, there is just this feeling in the air, the atmosphere of warmth--sometimes literally, when we come in from the snow to hot chocolate and a movie.Also, everyone seems just a bit nicer to each other, it's like-- at least for now-- we all know we're in this life, and love, together. The colored lights sparkle against the snow, the sun gleams off of it, and the church services are brightly decorated and beautiful. And of course the college bowl games come, we watch our teams as we visit with friends/relatives we don;t otherwise see; except at this time of year.

Christmas of 2003/early 2004 was good and bad-- for Alex, and the bittersweet memories of Lynn that lingered. Despite Bobbi, Mom & Alex's advice to stop 'protecting' her and move on, I still loved her and wanted her back in my life. I knew it could never be the same as it was, but I was still in that 'anything's better than nothing' stage, so common to head-over-heels folks. I had also started getting counseling, seeking what I called 'peace.' It colored what was my favorite time of year, despite the great news of Alex's impending wedding (December 23).
Still, despite the depression over Lynn, having Alex really lit things up. I have called her the best tonic for me at the time, and that continued on, as we'd talk late into the night (partly because of time difference which put her hours behind me). She became a security blanket, and another crush, as I'm sure you've guessed by now! I also had Yolanda, my friend/ex-cohort, and while I loved her friendship, I admit to part of it being wanting to hear about Lynn, and maybe see her in passing. Without Alex, I feel I would've fallen back into the obsession that ruined things at work; but with Alex, I made some steps forward, seeing that I could care for someone else, and even accepting that Lynn was now basically a face in the crowd. Before, that thought was almost too much to bear. Now I could do it, and was dwelling less on Lynn in my head at home, I used more of that for my kids & Tim.
Working part-time before, then largely becoming a stay-home mom after my job loss, I'd always spent much physical time with my kids; then under 6. But my head would wander elsewhere, more than I wanted it to. Between Alex & Yolanda, I was taking short steps past that. I was so happy for Alex after she married, and marveled at how lucky & blessed her new hubby was. She & her friend Abby had come to terms also, which meant that I had, perhaps, made a small impact in saving her friendship with her smitten pal. Thinking I may have made a difference, however small, was sweet for me, as she had done much for me. And yes, after all the talking times--and brief illness she had in December--we did arrange to meet.
She would be 27 in February, and her friends were arranging a birthday party in Indianapolis, where her family had a house. Alex & new hubby Aaron now lived in London, but would be coming back that week to wrap up business here--and would also pass through Ohio, my state, to get to Indy. Alex said we could meet at a hotel in my area where she had gone for business. That would be Valentine's week. February 13 I spoke to her via webphone, and got an ecard from her. I was nervous and excited all at once--for all our talks, we'd still not met in person and wouldn't know each other on the street. Tim said what he usually says to me in such times - don't worry so much. (: He said I was handling things right - to meet in a public place first, size things up, and if the vibes were good, go on and have fun.

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