I’m Back – With My Story

Posted on 10/03 12:58
 
Hi, this is Teri. I know it’s been over a year since my last writing. But over the past few months, I’ve felt a little drain, monotony, from not trying things I’d really like to experience while in the flesh. Writing is what I do best, I think– better than parenting sometimes–and even as I write now, I can feel the energy. I’ve thought so much about what matters to me, and I want to tackle more of it. Writing a book or movie has always been a dream of mine, and being on here is a form of that, my story. So, without further ado, I shall resume where I left off–2003 into 2004, and my pink n sweet Alex.
 
I found my self highly depending on her to be on, to have the marathon talk sessions with, mainly after my kids–still little then–were asleep. She seemed exactly what I needed. My self esteem was at an all-time low, I was still reeling from Lynn. I had drowned virtually in my feelings for her–which, I feel, wouldn’t have happened had I dealt more head-on with my sexuality in the younger years. Not wanting to wear out Tim & Bobbie, she was the tonic. I admit to being a bit obsessed with her as well, sometimes being a few minutes late in picking up Josie from kindergarten if I was having a chat session. But in letting my feelings out, it didn’t feel as smothering and obsessive as with Lynn. I didn’t dwell on her like Lynn. I used some of her advice, and kept in touch with Yolanda.
 
I admit to wanting a way to hear about Lynn, too, in being friends with Yolanda. But I valued her friendship a lot, cause though she was rough around the edges and smoked heavily (something I detest), she was supportive of loved ones and good around my kids when I had them with me. She also tried to be loyal–she got Lynn’s POV and she got mine, and she didn;t take sides. Though I was feeling, for the first time really, the heavy hand of folks uncomfortable with people like me, it was actually a freeing time. I was being me. I wasn’t hiding. And it felt good. Through Alex’s help, I was seeing that, despite my losses, I could still have times where being just me was OK.
 
I tried practicing what I preached, and listened to Alex if something happened with Abby. Abby was the me of that story, and though she’d accepted Alex’s marriage, she still loved Alex; and it seemed to Alex that Abby wanted to push the boundaries a few times before the wedding. In that, I could see how it may have looked from Lynn’s side, me seeming smothering–so that helped ease my hurt.
 
Alex loved her friend but made it clear the ‘experimenting’ they had done was done; she said aloud likely what Lynn was thinking about me–back off. I think I learned more from advising her–voicing my own feelings–than I had in trying to fight my draw to Lynn; which just made things build to the point where they blew. Expressing myself defused things. I couldn’t change the past, but I could learn for the future, would I meet anyone else like Lynn. Alex was just what I needed then. To this day, I still don;t know if that was her real name, but she was a ‘real’ friend regardless, like a pen pal. I’d never had one before, so this was intriguing too.
In midst of all this, I found myself falling for her beyond infatuation, which confused me; because at least with Lynn I knew her, was around her. I only had heard the sound of Alex’s voice on speaker and seen one pic, besides our chats. But she said people showed their essence when they talked, and that was really what was important. She knew people could be fake, but she also thought that would show sooner or later. She was a born Catholic who’d become a nondenominational Christian. Most importantly, she accepted GLBT’s. She was just perfect for me then, and I could learn through my own talks with her, how not to obsess and alienate our penpal-ship. Despite my occasional doubts about God’s view of people like me, I was convinced He sent her to me through that LifetimeTV column. I saw bits of hope through the haze that had colored my life, and family home, after Ward Kaps.

Bi for now.
Teri

 

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