Labels

Labels Belong on Bottles…. Not People!

This is a touchy subject because ever since I can remember I was labeled from stupid, idiot, loco/crazy and more to fag, queer and a lot of derogatory names. So, this is a bit touchy since I haven’t talked too much about it. Please bear with me in this post as it might actually get a little risky and personal.

Young and Alone

I was adopted at birth basically and never knew who my real parents are until this coming Friday when I start my official search. I knew at a very young age, that something wasn’t right or that I didn’t fit in. I didn’t look like anyone in the family and that made me think. Sometimes as a kid, I did overthink things only because I wanted answers but couldn’t find the way to ask the questions. So as time went on, I started to get bullied in school as kids would call me Fagget, Queer, Homosexual…. I mean, back then, kids were really mean and their parents didn’t do crap about it, just like today.

Once I started in the higher grades like 7th through 9th, it almost stopped but it didn’t really help anything. Kids in band and choir and orchestra really stood up for me, as I was the new kid on the block. They helped me spell because of my dyslexia, helped me understand what the questions were asking because of my ADHD… I mean, I had a great group of people around me, until I went to 2 smaller schools where kids were free to make fun of other because of they disabilities.

I was so alone, that I tried to end it all my Junior year of High Shcool. I tried to give myself a concussion,  tried to OD on painkillers and so much more. It was like all the things that happened to me as a kid were pushed to the back of my mind until people started back up with it again. That was the worst time in my life, just one of them.

Young Adult who Mingled

By the time I was 17, I was already mingling with guys, gay men actually and it was like it felt good to me. I knew who I was and was proud of it. I was still alone, went through a lot of depression in my younger years but that’s not what caused most of my issues. It was guys who played games with me mentally or in today’s world, psychologically. I know that sounds weird but it is so true. I was with my first ex for about 2 years, close to the end of the relationship it wasn’t all that grand and in fact, we drifted apart from each other. After that, my relationships last between 3-9 months. That says a lot right there and with some of the issues I was working through, none of the guys wanted to help me. They were there just to get the booty or my junk which I quickly blocked that crap!

Older Adult without Labels

Today, if you ask me who I am, I will tell you this…. I am Matt. Matt is a gay man, gay uncle, cousin, nephew, brother, son, best friend and free therapy. I don’t label myself as homosexual, gay, queer, twink, bear or anything. I am simply, Matt who is living is life and working on bettering himself through education and work. So if someone ever asks you who you are tell them this… I have no labels, I am Matt (or your name) and give them a list of things you are good at or what part of the family you are, your name is the ONLY label that should be there.

Be You, Be Proud

The Social Click at Church… Good or Bad?

This is a post from my official blog at https://mattstory.me

The views on this post are mine and mine alone. Experiences are recalling different memories about it. You are free to agree or disagree, please do not shove it in my face.

Growing Up in a Christian Home

As far back as I can remember, which is when I was forced to wear a little kids suit for church, was not the best memory of all. In fact, I have always felt distant from religion and what it brings. As a kid, I always liked Sunday School because I didn’t have to hear my dad preach, but as I got older, it was more of a “You have to sit with us…” kind of thing which really didn’t make sense to me. But if you think every religious family is perfect, think again.

No matter what religion you are, Christian, Catholic, Roman Catholic, Hinduism and many others, there is always gonna be some type of conflict as I like to call it. These “conflicts” usually come when people open their minds to different possibilities. For me, the story below is what I mean.

Summer 2000

It was the beginning of the summer of 2000 and I was at my wits end with everyone and trying to understand who I was a person both psychically and sexually. So, at that time I went to my youth pastor, whom I felt I could tell anything and talk with. Well they meet me at a local restaurant and they bought my dinner and we started talking and I told them that I need help in finding who I am. Well, I never told them I was gay, just that I am having issues with my sexuality. So a few days later my father gets fired from his Church, in which I was really wondering why it happened.

My mother, the day after he lost his job said to me…. “You are the reason why your father lost his job, Cody went to the elders and said you are gay” – without hesitation I called that little prick and gave him a piece of my mind. And to this day, my mother still tells me that and it makes me so f****** angry that she would hold on to something that is 17 yrs old.

The Social Click

So my parents have been going to this church and I’ve been a few times but never really liked it because I don’t fit in with the “IT Crowed”. No, I am not talking about the Information Technology Crowed, more like the Social Click at that church. Yes, there are people who go to just go and socialize and then there is me, someone who want’s answers to questions but no one seems to have them other than this response “Read the Bible”… I am gonna be honest, as a kid, I was actually forced to read the bible, a chapter a night. I know what the bible says, which is man made, but where are the answers to like why we feel pain, love and so on. Why do we have a brain that is easily manipulated? So many questions yet no true answer to any of them.

So, the social click at church started some drama. Another reason why I hate churches, and it doesn’t just end there. It’s the fact that a lot of Christians (50%) are so wrapped up in their own little bundle of joy life that when change comes, they are scared. Take for instance Kim Davis, back in 2015 she was in the news a lot because of her refusal of issuing the marriage license to same-sex couples. Well, this is a great example of how a “Good Christian” can turn their backs on everything they are taught. I mean, there are people, that are die hard Christians that work in Government positions like County Clerks that obey the law because they do a Separation of Church and State.  So going on with the post, it is sad that when things like this happen, Christians (not all) believe they are being attacked and scolded of their rights…right? Wrong, in fact, over the past 30-40 years, Religion as has gotten some bad raps, mainly for allowing students to bully LGBT and other students.

What/Who I am Now

I am what most of the old schooled Christians would say, Witch or Warlock. In fact, I am neither since I do not do magic. Shamans are Native American Spirit Healers or Spirit Walkers. This means that with positive energy, I can pass that along to help prolong someone’s life by reducing stress and so on. Shamans are also known to have the gift or ability to see what others cannot or do not want to see. I do not practice a religion, I do believe in a higher power but not the way Churches and other Religions say to be true to them.

Growing Up Gay

mattieboitzMost of you may know me as Mattie, but my real name is Matthew. I am a son of a previous Preacher, who lost his job due to a Youth Minister, who went behind my back and told the eldership that I was gay, before I came out and told anyone. This is my story.

The Beginning of What Was

In 1998, I began a journey through, as it was called then, the Gay World. I was conflicted and wasn’t sure of anything. At 16 I was really scared of what life was about to give me. I had a hard time with a lot of stuff, from my own sexuality to exploring the sexual side of everything else. It was really hard because growing up in a Christian Home I was taught that being gay was wrong, and that you will go to hell. They even said that Gay Men/Women are perverts and will also be that way. I am not that way, I am not in anyway a pervert, just don’t ask my close friends, hehe.

It was a really hard time for me, during which time I thought about suicide because not only was it a conflict with being a Christian (at that time), kids were bullying me because of it. I tried everything from overdosing to small cuts on my legs and arms, in which there is no evidence of that now.

But I soon realized that there was a world out there that accepted me for me, not just parts of me, but the whole me as a gay man. It was the best feeling but didn’t realize that clubs and bars were meat markets or hook up locations. I am not proud of going to bars and clubs because that was like a bad discussion waiting to explode. Other than the bars and clubs, I was really avid in the parades that are held once a year in my one town that I loved to go to, Dallas!

The Now – Grown Up

Over the years, I grew further and further away from religion and everyone else around me, and started on a downward spiral on a path that was leading me to the worst choices I would ever make in my life. To be honest, I am glad I experienced that, so that I know what not to do this time, because you only get one chance at life. During the time periods of 2001 and 2015 were the worst times for me.  It was like I would get into a relationship and then get beaten, and same thing. I went through 3 different relationships which were physical beatings, and then my last official one was more of a psychological/mental abuse.

I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone out there for me. In fact, I believe we are given a chance of self-rediscovery to understand who we are, and what we would like in a partner or boyfriend/girlfriend. We are in a digital world with a digital way of love and being social.

Have you had the same or similar experience? if so, post it below… You are not alone!