Growing Up Gay

mattieboitzMost of you may know me as Mattie, but my real name is Matthew. I am a son of a previous Preacher, who lost his job due to a Youth Minister, who went behind my back and told the eldership that I was gay, before I came out and told anyone. This is my story.

The Beginning of What Was

In 1998, I began a journey through, as it was called then, the Gay World. I was conflicted and wasn’t sure of anything. At 16 I was really scared of what life was about to give me. I had a hard time with a lot of stuff, from my own sexuality to exploring the sexual side of everything else. It was really hard because growing up in a Christian Home I was taught that being gay was wrong, and that you will go to hell. They even said that Gay Men/Women are perverts and will also be that way. I am not that way, I am not in anyway a pervert, just don’t ask my close friends, hehe.

It was a really hard time for me, during which time I thought about suicide because not only was it a conflict with being a Christian (at that time), kids were bullying me because of it. I tried everything from overdosing to small cuts on my legs and arms, in which there is no evidence of that now.

But I soon realized that there was a world out there that accepted me for me, not just parts of me, but the whole me as a gay man. It was the best feeling but didn’t realize that clubs and bars were meat markets or hook up locations. I am not proud of going to bars and clubs because that was like a bad discussion waiting to explode. Other than the bars and clubs, I was really avid in the parades that are held once a year in my one town that I loved to go to, Dallas!

The Now – Grown Up

Over the years, I grew further and further away from religion and everyone else around me, and started on a downward spiral on a path that was leading me to the worst choices I would ever make in my life. To be honest, I am glad I experienced that, so that I know what not to do this time, because you only get one chance at life. During the time periods of 2001 and 2015 were the worst times for me.  It was like I would get into a relationship and then get beaten, and same thing. I went through 3 different relationships which were physical beatings, and then my last official one was more of a psychological/mental abuse.

I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone out there for me. In fact, I believe we are given a chance of self-rediscovery to understand who we are, and what we would like in a partner or boyfriend/girlfriend. We are in a digital world with a digital way of love and being social.

Have you had the same or similar experience? if so, post it below… You are not alone!

Leave a comment