Most of you may know me as Mattie, but my real name is Matthew. I am a son of a previous Preacher, who lost his job due to a Youth Minister, who went behind my back and told the eldership that I was gay, before I came out and told anyone. This is my story.
The Beginning of What Was
In 1998, I began a journey through, as it was called then, the Gay World. I was conflicted and wasn’t sure of anything. At 16 I was really scared of what life was about to give me. I had a hard time with a lot of stuff, from my own sexuality to exploring the sexual side of everything else. It was really hard because growing up in a Christian Home I was taught that being gay was wrong, and that you will go to hell. They even said that Gay Men/Women are perverts and will also be that way. I am not that way, I am not in anyway a pervert, just don’t ask my close friends, hehe.
It was a really hard time for me, during which time I thought about suicide because not only was it a conflict with being a Christian (at that time), kids were bullying me because of it. I tried everything from overdosing to small cuts on my legs and arms, in which there is no evidence of that now.
But I soon realized that there was a world out there that accepted me for me, not just parts of me, but the whole me as a gay man. It was the best feeling but didn’t realize that clubs and bars were meat markets or hook up locations. I am not proud of going to bars and clubs because that was like a bad discussion waiting to explode. Other than the bars and clubs, I was really avid in the parades that are held once a year in my one town that I loved to go to, Dallas!
The Now – Grown Up
Over the years, I grew further and further away from religion and everyone else around me, and started on a downward spiral on a path that was leading me to the worst choices I would ever make in my life. To be honest, I am glad I experienced that, so that I know what not to do this time, because you only get one chance at life. During the time periods of 2001 and 2015 were the worst times for me.¬† It was like I would get into a relationship and then get beaten, and same thing. I went through 3 different relationships which were physical beatings, and then my last official one was more of a psychological/mental abuse.
I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone out there for me. In fact, I believe we are given a chance of self-rediscovery to understand who we are, and what we would like in a partner or boyfriend/girlfriend.¬†We are in a digital world with a digital way of love and being social.
Have you had the same or similar experience? if so, post it below… You are not alone!