I know this is getting way long, so let's move to the last game of the year. The pressure is on, i have to talk to her, it's my one goal of the night (in addition to doing my job well as always ð ). But i decide to relax and wait for the 4th quarter, which turns out to be a stupid, stupid idea. I guess i did it because i was nervous and as it was since the beginning i don't want to make her nervous. A fine job of that i did. Why does this always happen?
Several times during the evening, over the railing i see her walking on the level below, twice she is alone, and once she has that soft look on her face like girls do when they're thinking about love. I should have gone down right then, it was perfect! But i worry more about her seeing me and thinking i'm stalking her, than i do about talking to her, so i stick to my plan of waiting. I am way too nervous anyway. Once she looked up and i think she saw me see her.Â Why didn't i go down there? I had a nice plan of like "Hey there she is! How did your last game of the year go?" and just casually asking her if i can friend her on Facebook. But i wait until there's 4 minutes left in the game, walk the length of that floor, and don't see hardly anyone, let alone her. Dammit, foiled again. Destroyed by my fears. Now i understand what JFK meant when he said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." She really is just a girl, but i've made it all into something too big.
At the end of the night she's walking around with a group of co-workers. I glance down so it's not too early and then look up to say hi, and she looks right at me smiling big and says "Hi!" It's too hard to join walking with a whole group of her co-workers so i look back, confirm that she's been working on the next level down and say "Happy new year" since i won't see her for at least a month, until the bowl game in January. So there is one more chance, at that game, but that seems like even more than too much pressure, and it will be really busy. I feel helpless, hopeless, and mad at myself. My life is over (again).
Occasionally we clean the level with the kitchen and storage on it, and the only bathroom is all the way at the end of the kitchen. Once awhile back i had gone to the bathroom there but also wanted to see if there was a roster somewhere in the kitchen so i could maybe see her last name and find her on Facebook or the internet. Back then there was a long roster that said Sunday but no Jessica was on it and nothing about what it was for even.
This time it's after the last game and we're cleaning down there again and i tell myself nah i'm not gonna go do that again, i'm probably not supposed to plus don't be weird. I think of the song "I Didn't Mean To Stalk You" by Los Abandoned. But what the heck, what else do i have? So i go use the bathroom and as i come out, there is a short roster on the table, and what is on the roster? HER NAME!
Later I found her on Facebook (YES!) but will not friend her without asking because that would be weird. ð It does really help me to see her on Facebook as it makes her a real person and helps me relax. It also starts to sink in how much older i am. There is not much publicly posted except like three pictures but that is something - it really does help. I purposefully don't go to it or look at her pictures very often.
What is God telling me? There are two miraculous coincidences that seem like answers to prayers and cannot be ignored (elevator and roster), but several miserable personal failures, and many circumstances out of my control, along with an amazing, promising beginning that let me fall in love. WTF? I do really feel like i love her and i prayed that i will be able to marry her and told God that i'll do whatever it takes (from God's point of view, not mine; i'm not gonna force anything).
But I also think about how old i am compared to her and i just don't see how it could ever work out, especially after her parents kill me. My hair is finally getting gray (gasp!) so even though people tell me i look a lot younger she will still know i'm at least somewhat old. Wasn't that gray guy who won American Idol like 35? But why did she seem to interested in the first place? Some girls have daddy issues, who knows? I don't wanna be like Roy Moore but i'm not, because she is a grown person with a job and i'm in no position of power, and i suck at crushes. This is part of what seeing her on Facebook helps me realize and assess. And, was she only being friendly the whole time? (Is anyone reading this going, "um, yeah you moron"?)
TOMMY THE KID
I still feel like a kid inside. Part of that is some years i spent drinking and doing drugs, which could have arrested my emotional and social development, but total that would only set me back maybe 16 years, so i'd still mentally be at least 38. But even thinking of myself as a "man" just seems totally foreign and weird to me. In some ways that is OK because who wants to grow up anyway? And thinking and feeling young i think could result in a long and active life.
ALL PEOPLE ARE EQUAL
I also try to treat every human being equally, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, color, religion, anything, because that's how my Mom raised me. I have dated older girls (OK, women), it doesn't matter to me as long as we like each other. Finding love is hard enough without adding too many restrictions. Treating people equally is the right way to be but it also doesn't fit "the world" or the way society classifies and treats people, or expects you to either.
But i do need to have an "accurate" sense of my place in the world, because being out of synch with "reality" can only cause problems. Although society has a lot of BS that we are supposed to fit, with no method to its madness, as many of us know. But i'm working on picturing myself as a grown-ass man, even though i really don't want to, or know how.
(I wrote this next part later so i'm back to past tense, i mean i went back to past tense...)
A NEW YEAR
Before the bowl game in January i got the flu of black death that was going around, and i didn't see Jessica at the game anyway, and if i had i wasn't in any condition to be talking to anyone, let alone flirting [hacks up piece of lung].
Since now there is no other way, i waited a few days and sent her a friend request on Facebook. In about a week, she accepts!!!!!!! She accepts !!!!!!! I still had the horrible flu for a few weeks and didn't want to seem desperate, so i waited, actually for about two months, and now i have to figure out how to message her casually but interestingly. I want to tell her everything but DON'T DO IT! Prayers please...
I finally sent her a short message, and the next day she answered me back! Very innocent, nothing serious. We mention how little work there is at the beginning of the year and she tells me she is taking classes in a medical field at a local college. In a couple days i respond but it was like 2 paragraphs instead. I tend to write a lot and do things all at once, but i felt my comments were just as innocent, just asking about what she wants to do with medical training, how i used to work in healthcare but i won't say how long ago that was LOL. And, she hasn't written me back since then. Now i'm back to what do i do now? I've waited awhile so i will just have to try another short message. If she was interested she could just write me back, but if notÂ why respond within 14 hours the first time? Women are confusing! And that's a good place to finally stop.Â
After seeing her on FB really sunk it in how young she is compared to me, i have just tried to realize i have to let it go. But i still want to know her. If anything else happens i will add another epilogue here.Â As always, God please help!