The Story of a Crush And How I Suck At It – Part 3: It Gets Weird

(Shortly here i switch to present tense, i don't know why but it feels right so i'ma just leave it.)

At a concert i hadn't seen her the whole time even after walking to the other side to see if i could. Once the event is over i am always hell bent on finishing work and getting out of there because it can take up to 3 hours to get done.

Two bad things happened:

1) They both walked by me with their cart and i was all "have you been here the whole time?" (she is looking and smiling at me as usual). They walk into one of the rooms and i am still struggling to replace a trash bag outside, she still looks back at me and smiles. I should have gone in the room and said hi! WTF is wrong with me? Then, she comes out, walks right by me and all the way down to the end of the outside landing (there are bathrooms there but also closer, the other way in the middle). I watch her, thinking here's my chance to ask her for contact info, and that she might be doing it on purpose? But she was all alone and nobody was really down there, it felt as if i'd be following her or stalking her, and i didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so i continued struggling with the trash. WTF? Then she came back and she was looking at me and seemed disappointed. I asked her how's your night? She seemed relieved that i said something so nice and as she walked by she looks back (there's the "leaning towards" sensation) and answers it was fine but she just wants to go home.

2) One of my coworkers asks me to go out and sweep the seats that had been cleaned of recyclables and trash. It is pretty clean and i could have made it quick, but i always want to do a thorough job so i really look under everything and the whole time i'm repeating to myself, "I gotta go in and talk to her." It takes forever. Later i go in and my boss tells me "those two girls" were looking for you. It's our job to take out the trash generated by their department, i assume that is why but they didn't need to ask for me. I am pissed at myself because the end of that night seemed like my grand opportunity that had been set up by God or fate and them. I still think of this as my lost opportunity and i am PISSED at myself. They even ASKED FOR ME and i missed it!!!? What a dufus.

Then, i don't see them any more for several events, and games are only every two weeks. I am panic-stricken but casually ask a couple of the waiters if they know where those two runners are. One says they might be working at an event in the next county as they use workers based there. I don't know, but i pray they are just working on other floors. I could go look for them as that won't be noticed as long as our rooms are clean and another co-worker is around. But it's not normal and i don't want to be a stalker so i don't. I think that's the right choice.

I have to trust God that things will work out if they are meant to be, but the problem is i trust Him but not myself! God can't get me a job if i don't apply for it, right? Don't i have to do something? I refuse to accept that i blew it that other time and it's over. That would be stupid, right? If it's not going to work, that's fine but shouldn't i just be able to find that out by conversation rather than have it torn away by missed opportunity?

It's been awhile, i don't know if either of them work there any more or if i will ever see them again. One day around ten in the morning as i'm pushing a mop bucket, i see her i the middle of the day. I'm totally shocked, the only people i ever see from her department during the day is a stray bartender or some of who i imagine are leads stocking the suites. She seems taller, thinner and more formal today. She is smiley and glances at me but turns toward the bartender dude who is already walking towards her. I picture myself calling out cheerfully and innocently "Hey is that Jessica?" but she turned so quick there is no time. She asks him how the serving process is going to go, i can tell this is new to her and she wants to get it straight. Now they are in the lounge, i could still call out from the hallway but it seems so far away. I pace back and forth, should i interrupt them? NO but it is my lunchtime and i don't know where i or she will be afterwards.

What if i never see her again the rest of my whole entire life?

I decide i have to say something. Instead of cheerfully calling out "Hey is that Jessica," i kind of walk closer to her and say "Hey" and i have to do it twice. She looks at me seriously and i try to joke casually "What are you doing here?" She looks at me and glares, "Working." Yikes. I know that, it's not the point, i have never seen her during the day. I explain that i hadn't seen either her or Veronica in weeks and i didn't know if they still worked here. I am nervous and shaky as i'm tired and surprised so it's all awkward, and a couple more comments/questions and i say "Well OK then" (maybe not as bad as that sounds) and i walk away, my life ruined!

Dammit! How do i live with myself? After lunch i kinda see her cleaning up through a space as i walk by in the hall and just ignore her; not gonna do that again! She hates me now, i think. WTF happened? It does show me something strange and different of her behind "smiley happy." Some more weeks later i don't remember how many games went by, i saw her walk by a few times as i was on my level and the one below, there is one glance but it's weird and then nothing else. But i see in her eyes something, i just have no idea what. I am cleaning one of the press boxes alone and i'm begging God to please let me talk to her, i yell at Him how can you tease me like that and make everything so great and then screw it up like that? (Or let me screw it up?) Why would you do that to me? I'm practically crying.

Later the night is over and as i wait with some co-workers by the elevator she walks up with a group of her coworkers! OMG a prayer answered! I can't ever remember the co-worker group appearing like that before. It is tough to talk to her with a group of people but maybe safer, and i have to, now or never. I ask her and Veronica where they have been working and they explain. I tell her i didn't mean to interrupt her when she was talking to the bartender before that previous lunch. She explains what i already knew, that she was getting info from him. I ask her how the lunch went and we joke a little. She says the people at the lunch asked her stupid questions like "Which one is the ketchup?" Uh, the red one LOL. Phew OMG it goes greater than i could have expected. The elevator comes and our group gets on. I decide to just go with them, there's really no choice as anything else would be awkward. I still have no contact info for her but that is the best i expected. It is still weird but at least there's hope....

UP NEXT: Part 4, Last Chances