The Story of a Crush And How I Suck At It – Part 1: The Pattern

This got so long i split it into four parts. I wrote this partly to document it for myself, but i hope people can relate, regardless of the gender(s).

Whenever i get a new job, especially a temp one, or join a new group or go to a meeting (or wherever! The grocery store?), i tend to get a crush on some girl. Even after knowing this is likely to happen and telling myself or praying "No it's not gonna happen this time!" it still seems to happen. Sometimes it can take awhile, but eventually it does, maybe because i get bored with the job and/or need something intense to distract me. Or like many addictive folks i am just more comfortable in the little den of my fears, so i re-create them.  ?  Love does not equal fear any more!

Usually the girl (victim? No wait, target? NO! LOL more accurate is really "love interest") is very cute, but i don't purposefully go after the most beautiful girl; she usually has a sort of melancholy or inner sadness that i sense. I am attracted to an inner "realness" that i can sense or feel, and seems like she needs a hug. Occasionally, i have found out later that they were someone who knows God, so i may have just been attracted to the "Spirit" i felt in them, but it's hard to tell. Sometimes i think as people, or especially as Christians guided by God, we are drawn to people for various reasons - maybe we need to learn something from them, or maybe there is something they can learn from us. Or we could just be symbiotic souls attached somehow in the spirit dimension. Soulmates could be of various levels. The trick is to not put too much weight on the wrong ones.

You know how we sometimes (usually? always?) get a "sense" or "feel" about someone even as they walk in the room? I feel like i can really get a sense of someone just from seeing them, but we have to be careful, as nothing is really valid until you meet them, and even then, there are a lot of layers to get to.

"Love at first sight" seems awesome but i can also see it being a crutch, where i decide right away that i'm interested, and then i don't have to do all the hard work of getting to know someone first. What happens is i still have to do that work but now it has the burden that it matters too much (and they don't know yet). If someone says "but you don't even know me" i feel like "Yes of course not, so that's what i'm trying to do!" There does have to be a point where you decide someone is worth getting to know, before you try to get to know them, as opposed to other people we just don't have much interest in. If i ever have kids i will tell them "Do not decide whether you "like" someone until you get to know them!"

So currently i work at an event venue cleaning the suite area during games (plus several days before and after). I had a mild crush on a co-worker but i knew it wouldn't work as she didn't speak enough English, i didn't speak enough Spanish, and i suspected and finally found out that she was dating or even married to one of our other co-workers. I can speak Spanish and understand it but not when it's spoken rapidly and especially around groups, so most of the "patter" where you find out all that stuff at a workplace goes over my head.

One time i was in a break room with her and her husband before i knew whether he was, so i asked off-hand if they (either of them) had kids but they seemed embarrassed and didn't answer, i don't even know why, the question was innocent enough. Trying to find out! And earlier i had asked another co-worker but he thought they were just friends. So i knew it wouldn't work, but i still felt this pull towards her. Anyway they both eventually left to work somewhere else, so, problem solved. ?

I had noticed one of the food runners from another department was really cute (we'll call her Veronica), but she seemed young and somewhat aloof, so i decided i wouldn't make any extra effort to try to talk to her; only maybe if there was a truly accidental opportunity.

I think the key in any of these situations where you like someone is to watch for those chances to talk that happen naturally, where you happen to be in the same place like a hallway or break room. For me personally when i try to create such a situation intentionally, i get nervous and make it awkward or screw it up (although i have "stopped by" people's desks or gone to their department and said hi in the past). But wait for the chance to happen organically; and when it does, be ready! Did you hear me? BE READY!

NEXT UP: Part 2, She Appears