Shadowlight (2009)

Tears drop down this porcelain face
as blood from sores of past memories forgotten,
remembered.
Pain unknown by mind brought forth suddenly 
as to remind the soul “you cannot be rid of me”

Shadow you daunt my view
while light peaks around the corner of my hopes
and whispers these are only dreams of you

Shadowlight, my ever present foe and friend
There is beauty in your pain
But, shall this everyday battle continue again?
Oh shadow, it is time, your beauty does end.

Shadow light.
Shadow light.
No shadow.
Light.
My love.
I have found you.

Non-Existence

Who are you?
You feel so far away.
Who are you?
I feel you in my blood. My veins.
Are you there God?
I’m crying out your name. Are you there? Well are you?!
Do you even know my pain?
Talk to me. God talk to me!
Am I speaking to a wall?
Where are you?
Are you there at all?
If you are…I can’t feel you. I can’t feel anything but emptiness.
Please Lord…talk to me, just say my name.

Transformed (2009)

I thirst to know you more
as I fight through the crowds grabbing desperately for your feet,
fighting is all I know.
They say I’m not allowed near you. I can’t. I must leave.

NO!

Let me in, let me go!
I will touch. I have to feel.
I know you’re there, so close, you’re right here.

I see you.

Just a little closer and I feel your power transform
my life
no longer mine, but yours.

My pain,
now has a reason.
My burdens I place in your strength.
I’m safe.
Transformed.
My life,
no longer mine but yours.

-Wil Staley

An Intro Into My Life And What’s To Come.

I came out when I was 23 and thought I had a solid foundation in Christ and my Christian faith. I spent a year or so writing for a website called lesbepure and of course blogged on my own blogs www.brokenandbruisedyetbeautiful.wordpress.com and then I lost everything. When I say I lost everything, I mean, mainly my support system. I came out and within a year almost everyone left me. I was so confused and hurt and angry, man was I ever angry. I was told “I thought you let God heal you?” as if me coming out negated everything I ever was and negated my overcoming some horrific abuse. I was lost. I was so lost.¬†

Fast forward to today, I am 31 and just now allowing myself to re-explore my faith. I’m learning what lies I’ve been taught and what truths have been left out. I am expanding my own mind, heart, and developing my own truth. I realize that I don’t know everything nor do I pretend to. Actually, I feel I know nothing. The only real truth I have is that I want to believe there is a God because I know the experiences I’ve had and the things I’ve felt deep in my bones. My logical side says why not believe? Who does it hurt if you do believe even if you don’t understand it all. Love is what I feel encompasses my faith and I believe God is love.

I’m learning to allow myself to grieve what I’ve lost and grow from it…feel the anger and then let it go…I have a long way to go but I will fight because that’s who I am. I’m a fighter.¬†

I remember as a little girl knowing I was different…knowing that if I didn’t get out of that house I would die and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I’m alive because I made a choice to run. I made a choice to get out and to make something of myself. I didn’t want to be like my stepmom or most of my family. I wanted more for my life. So I sit here wondering what is that “more”..what is it that I’m searching for? Maybe I’m searching for God, or happiness, or peace. Maybe I’m currently searching for them all. Yeah, I think that’s the case…I’m on a hunt for all of it.

I’m learning to love what I am and who I’m becoming but it’s been a long road. Thank you for allowing me another place to make my voice heard…to make my life have meaning. If you like what you read please tell me…if you want to hear more please tell me…and above all, if you ever feel alone in your pain please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m not always on top of my game but I can always love and understand.

Much love.
Wil

About Me – Wilma Staley

willowtreeI am but a girl, simplistic and complicated …loving, analytical, romantic, beautiful…I am me, a lover of people, a hater of hurt and broken hearts. I’m in love with a girl who’s eyes sparkle & light up my world. I’m gay and I love God, makes me a contradiction in most eyes, but fearfully and wonderfully made in the eyes of my Creator. I am what I am and I’m learning to love who I’ve become.

I want to take the girl who is broken and bruised. She sits alone at night in pain, feeling unloved and unworthy…she’s stained with memories and soiled with tears. She fears looking up because she fears the mere idea of hope. Hope in her life has only brought more pain. So, she no longer hopes, she simply lives, and only slightly. I want to take this girl, lift her chin up and teach her to hope again. I want to clothe her in white linens and teach her to dance, to sing, to breathe. I want to teach her she is worthy and beautiful. I want to bandage the scars on her arms, the pain in her heart and show her love does exist. For this girl I live, for she is the dream placed upon my heart, the hope that change can still happen in the broken and bruised…the beautiful.