I came out when I was 23 and thought I had a solid foundation in Christ and my Christian faith. I spent a year or so writing for a website called lesbepure and of course blogged on my own blogs www.brokenandbruisedyetbeautiful.wordpress.com and then I lost everything. When I say I lost everything, I mean, mainly my support system. I came out and within a year almost everyone left me. I was so confused and hurt and angry, man was I ever angry. I was told “I thought you let God heal you?” as if me coming out negated everything I ever was and negated my overcoming some horrific abuse. I was lost. I was so lost.Â
Fast forward to today, I am 31 and just now allowing myself to re-explore my faith. I’m learning what lies I’ve been taught and what truths have been left out. I am expanding my own mind, heart, and developing my own truth. I realize that I don’t know everything nor do I pretend to. Actually, I feel I know nothing. The only real truth I have is that I want to believe there is a God because I know the experiences I’ve had and the things I’ve felt deep in my bones. My logical side says why not believe? Who does it hurt if you do believe even if you don’t understand it all. Love is what I feel encompasses my faith and I believe God is love.
I’m learning to allow myself to grieve what I’ve lost and grow from it…feel the anger and then let it go…I have a long way to go but I will fight because that’s who I am. I’m a fighter.Â
I remember as a little girl knowing I was different…knowing that if I didn’t get out of that house I would die and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I’m alive because I made a choice to run. I made a choice to get out and to make something of myself. I didn’t want to be like my stepmom or most of my family. I wanted more for my life. So I sit here wondering what is that “more”..what is it that I’m searching for? Maybe I’m searching for God, or happiness, or peace. Maybe I’m currently searching for them all. Yeah, I think that’s the case…I’m on a hunt for all of it.
I’m learning to love what I am and who I’m becoming but it’s been a long road. Thank you for allowing me another place to make my voice heard…to make my life have meaning. If you like what you read please tell me…if you want to hear more please tell me…and above all, if you ever feel alone in your pain please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m not always on top of my game but I can always love and understand.