45 year Closet Case

This is my censored biography of my life in the closet.   The starting point is my earliest sexual memory was at the age of 12 and how the incident was very traumatizing for me. I felt shame and guilt and it altered my personality for many years. For the sake of embarrassment I have chosen not to go into the particulars of this memory. All I can remember is the visual aspect of it and the emotions I felt. It did change my persona and it got pushed under the rug.

I was always  immature and had never experienced any thing of sexual nature up until that age.  I got no counseling and therapy for it at that time. The memory of that one event changed me, and is etched in my fragmented memory even though I attempted to suppress it.  I kept this secret in my mind for many years after that and never told a soul.

At that time as well I took notice of the boys in my 5th grade class. I started self gratification at that age and it followed followed me through the years after that.  I did research as a preteen with a dictionary and the Holy Bible which was King James version.  From there I deducted that Homosexuality was a sin and abomination.  I felt trapped as a girl in a guys body.  

I never rebelled or acted out physically.  I kept it all hidden in my mind. I did not have any friends to talk to and tell,  I was a loner in school and shy and didn't have any friends. I went to a southern Baptist church during that time and was very active in church activities.

At the age of 18 I had a spiritual experience and ask Jesus to come into my heart! I felt His Presence as well as the Holy Spirit moved in my heart and life.  I devoured the Word of God and prayed in tongues.  That did not change the fact and I still was quiet shy and still a loner. I left home at the age of 19. I attempted to go to college and work but I dropped out of school and quit working for a extended period of time.

At the age of 24 I isolated in my apartment I secluded myself from family members and became very despondent to the things of this world.  Severely depressed and very paranoid, I started hearing internal and audible voices yelling at me. I experience such mental anguish that I knew I needed to get serious help. I went to a couple that introduced me to a deliverance church and the charismatic ministry. I thought I have been set free from the demonic voices and homosexuality.

I went through a season of extended ministry of deliverance and thought I had finally found freedom. I went on from there and went to a two year bible school where I met my first wife.  After we graduated in 1989, we got married and within the next several years adopted children.  My life was so much better but I still had homosexuality thoughts and hid them in my mind while I engaged in self gratification a great deal still involved in another charismatic church. I attempted to use mental warfare to fight off these so called demons.

Toward the end of my marriage I disassociated from that church. The paranoia and the voices came back worse than ever. I eventually became so scared for my life and my family, as well lost the will to fight for my family.  I left my family and thought it was for the best. I moved back home and went to a psychiatrist at the local mental health clinic. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in 2002 I was 38 years old as well as divorced, and still in the closet. I had told no one about my homosexual thoughts and compulsion to gratify my flesh! I was put on medications for my paranoia, plus severe anxiety and depression

The next 8 years I was single and lived alone until I met my second wife at the age of 46. I did not tell her I was gay. I was still in denial and living in fear of my great lie and to my bible knowledge fighting the fight of faith which never did work. I always fell back into my supposed sin of homosexuality!   I lived my whole life in condemnation that one day I would be held accountable and be flashed to hell!  I went through another divorced in 2019 as well. My whole life felt trashed beyond repair!  

Then in November of 2019 I had a great epiphany and found freedom in the base fact that I am gay and that was never going to change...I didn't have to fight it any longer. It was like a light shown down and I could see the destruction that the enemy of my soul  had caused. It was he that stole and robbed me,  attempting to destroy my very existence. There was such a freedom in not fighting and that Jesus is now fighting for me!  My path is completely different now in knowing he intimately loves me and truly cares. I cannot change the past, but put my focus on being who God made me to be. I am beautiful in His sight and He is guarding my every step!

Coming out of the closet  is not a easy thing to have to do, especially in the Bible belt churches.   I have struggled with that the most I believe.   There is such a stigma and struggle around the whole LGBTQ community.  No leader I have been to knows exactly what to say.  These days I can see how my sexuality and mental health are more integrated than I thought.  

in 2018 I was able to publish a fifty page book on my history with my mental heath struggles. I completely left out my sexual struggles. My story was very incomplete. I was afraid of shaming family members who knew the whole story.  Some still do not know to this day or refuse to support and deny to believe it to this day. All I know is i am not struggling any more and it is quite liberating to find that freedom. 

Yes I still take my medicine that has not been easy either. I have had relapses through the years and a diagnosis change to schizoaffective bipolar disorder.  I do wonder at times, and still do if there are others in my boat. I am here to tell you that you do not have to fight alone, there is support and freedom to be found.