Labels

Labels Belong on Bottles…. Not People!

This is a touchy subject because ever since I can remember I was labeled from stupid, idiot, loco/crazy and more to fag, queer and a lot of derogatory names. So, this is a bit touchy since I haven’t talked too much about it. Please bear with me in this post as it might actually get a little risky and personal.

Young and Alone

I was adopted at birth basically and never knew who my real parents are until this coming Friday when I start my official search. I knew at a very young age, that something wasn’t right or that I didn’t fit in. I didn’t look like anyone in the family and that made me think. Sometimes as a kid, I did overthink things only because I wanted answers but couldn’t find the way to ask the questions. So as time went on, I started to get bullied in school as kids would call me Fagget, Queer, Homosexual…. I mean, back then, kids were really mean and their parents didn’t do crap about it, just like today.

Once I started in the higher grades like 7th through 9th, it almost stopped but it didn’t really help anything. Kids in band and choir and orchestra really stood up for me, as I was the new kid on the block. They helped me spell because of my dyslexia, helped me understand what the questions were asking because of my ADHD… I mean, I had a great group of people around me, until I went to 2 smaller schools where kids were free to make fun of other because of they disabilities.

I was so alone, that I tried to end it all my Junior year of High Shcool. I tried to give myself a concussion,  tried to OD on painkillers and so much more. It was like all the things that happened to me as a kid were pushed to the back of my mind until people started back up with it again. That was the worst time in my life, just one of them.

Young Adult who Mingled

By the time I was 17, I was already mingling with guys, gay men actually and it was like it felt good to me. I knew who I was and was proud of it. I was still alone, went through a lot of depression in my younger years but that’s not what caused most of my issues. It was guys who played games with me mentally or in today’s world, psychologically. I know that sounds weird but it is so true. I was with my first ex for about 2 years, close to the end of the relationship it wasn’t all that grand and in fact, we drifted apart from each other. After that, my relationships last between 3-9 months. That says a lot right there and with some of the issues I was working through, none of the guys wanted to help me. They were there just to get the booty or my junk which I quickly blocked that crap!

Older Adult without Labels

Today, if you ask me who I am, I will tell you this…. I am Matt. Matt is a gay man, gay uncle, cousin, nephew, brother, son, best friend and free therapy. I don’t label myself as homosexual, gay, queer, twink, bear or anything. I am simply, Matt who is living is life and working on bettering himself through education and work. So if someone ever asks you who you are tell them this… I have no labels, I am Matt (or your name) and give them a list of things you are good at or what part of the family you are, your name is the ONLY label that should be there.

Be You, Be Proud

The Social Click at Church… Good or Bad?

This is a post from my official blog at https://mattstory.me

The views on this post are mine and mine alone. Experiences are recalling different memories about it. You are free to agree or disagree, please do not shove it in my face.

Growing Up in a Christian Home

As far back as I can remember, which is when I was forced to wear a little kids suit for church, was not the best memory of all. In fact, I have always felt distant from religion and what it brings. As a kid, I always liked Sunday School because I didn’t have to hear my dad preach, but as I got older, it was more of a “You have to sit with us…” kind of thing which really didn’t make sense to me. But if you think every religious family is perfect, think again.

No matter what religion you are, Christian, Catholic, Roman Catholic, Hinduism and many others, there is always gonna be some type of conflict as I like to call it. These “conflicts” usually come when people open their minds to different possibilities. For me, the story below is what I mean.

Summer 2000

It was the beginning of the summer of 2000 and I was at my wits end with everyone and trying to understand who I was a person both psychically and sexually. So, at that time I went to my youth pastor, whom I felt I could tell anything and talk with. Well they meet me at a local restaurant and they bought my dinner and we started talking and I told them that I need help in finding who I am. Well, I never told them I was gay, just that I am having issues with my sexuality. So a few days later my father gets fired from his Church, in which I was really wondering why it happened.

My mother, the day after he lost his job said to me…. “You are the reason why your father lost his job, Cody went to the elders and said you are gay” – without hesitation I called that little prick and gave him a piece of my mind. And to this day, my mother still tells me that and it makes me so f****** angry that she would hold on to something that is 17 yrs old.

The Social Click

So my parents have been going to this church and I’ve been a few times but never really liked it because I don’t fit in with the “IT Crowed”. No, I am not talking about the Information Technology Crowed, more like the Social Click at that church. Yes, there are people who go to just go and socialize and then there is me, someone who want’s answers to questions but no one seems to have them other than this response “Read the Bible”… I am gonna be honest, as a kid, I was actually forced to read the bible, a chapter a night. I know what the bible says, which is man made, but where are the answers to like why we feel pain, love and so on. Why do we have a brain that is easily manipulated? So many questions yet no true answer to any of them.

So, the social click at church started some drama. Another reason why I hate churches, and it doesn’t just end there. It’s the fact that a lot of Christians (50%) are so wrapped up in their own little bundle of joy life that when change comes, they are scared. Take for instance Kim Davis, back in 2015 she was in the news a lot because of her refusal of issuing the marriage license to same-sex couples. Well, this is a great example of how a “Good Christian” can turn their backs on everything they are taught. I mean, there are people, that are die hard Christians that work in Government positions like County Clerks that obey the law because they do a Separation of Church and State.  So going on with the post, it is sad that when things like this happen, Christians (not all) believe they are being attacked and scolded of their rights…right? Wrong, in fact, over the past 30-40 years, Religion as has gotten some bad raps, mainly for allowing students to bully LGBT and other students.

What/Who I am Now

I am what most of the old schooled Christians would say, Witch or Warlock. In fact, I am neither since I do not do magic. Shamans are Native American Spirit Healers or Spirit Walkers. This means that with positive energy, I can pass that along to help prolong someone’s life by reducing stress and so on. Shamans are also known to have the gift or ability to see what others cannot or do not want to see. I do not practice a religion, I do believe in a higher power but not the way Churches and other Religions say to be true to them.

Growing Up Gay

mattieboitzMost of you may know me as Mattie, but my real name is Matthew. I am a son of a previous Preacher, who lost his job due to a Youth Minister, who went behind my back and told the eldership that I was gay, before I came out and told anyone. This is my story.

The Beginning of What Was

In 1998, I began a journey through, as it was called then, the Gay World. I was conflicted and wasn’t sure of anything. At 16 I was really scared of what life was about to give me. I had a hard time with a lot of stuff, from my own sexuality to exploring the sexual side of everything else. It was really hard because growing up in a Christian Home I was taught that being gay was wrong, and that you will go to hell. They even said that Gay Men/Women are perverts and will also be that way. I am not that way, I am not in anyway a pervert, just don’t ask my close friends, hehe.

It was a really hard time for me, during which time I thought about suicide because not only was it a conflict with being a Christian (at that time), kids were bullying me because of it. I tried everything from overdosing to small cuts on my legs and arms, in which there is no evidence of that now.

But I soon realized that there was a world out there that accepted me for me, not just parts of me, but the whole me as a gay man. It was the best feeling but didn’t realize that clubs and bars were meat markets or hook up locations. I am not proud of going to bars and clubs because that was like a bad discussion waiting to explode. Other than the bars and clubs, I was really avid in the parades that are held once a year in my one town that I loved to go to, Dallas!

The Now – Grown Up

Over the years, I grew further and further away from religion and everyone else around me, and started on a downward spiral on a path that was leading me to the worst choices I would ever make in my life. To be honest, I am glad I experienced that, so that I know what not to do this time, because you only get one chance at life. During the time periods of 2001 and 2015 were the worst times for me.  It was like I would get into a relationship and then get beaten, and same thing. I went through 3 different relationships which were physical beatings, and then my last official one was more of a psychological/mental abuse.

I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone out there for me. In fact, I believe we are given a chance of self-rediscovery to understand who we are, and what we would like in a partner or boyfriend/girlfriend. We are in a digital world with a digital way of love and being social.

Have you had the same or similar experience? if so, post it below… You are not alone!

Why do I say I am an Eunuch?

I am Larry G Rogers, known on the site as DadLarry, and I am an Eunuch. No, I am not an eunuch as defined by a current dictionary, I am an Eunuch as defined by Jesus in Matthew 19:12 “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.” King James Version.

I was born an eunuch or as we now say, a homosexual “gay”, I never chose to be one. In fact for 12 years, from 1984 to 1996, in order to attend Lay Ministry Training at North Heights Lutheran Church in Roseville, MN, having been outed as Gay, I had to attend Exodus, “be healed”, and be ex-gay.

Except that the Exodus indoctrination failed and 12 years later the Lord lead me to Redeemer Lutheran Church, 1800 Glenwood Ave, Minneapolis, MN where, when the Pastor asked if I planned to join the church, I told him I wanted to be involved in ministry to Homosexuals. He said: “Great, we have been trying to get such a ministry going. Are you going to Pride, this afternoon?”

The Lord had lead me to a Reconciling In Christ Church and I started taking classes to understand that being Born Gay was part of God’s Plan for my life. I became ex-ex-gay.

Now some people ask me “Why do you call yourself ex-ex-gay?” I do it to remind myself that I was called by Jesus to be an Eunuch to fit HIS Plan. I tried to ignore or be different for the sake of being accepted by mankind but it was not HIS WILL: Jeremiah 29:11 quoting from the Complete Jewish Bible (CJB)
“’11 For I know what plans I have in mind for you,’ says Adonai,‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.'”

The Lord lead me to a website, which I offer to anyone who wants proof that Jesus actually said what is written in the Bible up until a revision in 2002 was made by Eugene H. Peterson in his contemporary language “The Message” where he redefined the message and left the word “Eunuch” out, the word Jesus had said three time, if the Bible as written in 386 AD and used even now, was correct and written as inspired by The Holy Spirit.

If you are willing, to delve into a website, written by a former Christian who has now converted to Muslim, believing as Mahatma Gandhi said “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” read with an open mind http://www.well.com/user/aquarius/

Shadowlight (2009)

Tears drop down this porcelain face
as blood from sores of past memories forgotten,
remembered.
Pain unknown by mind brought forth suddenly 
as to remind the soul “you cannot be rid of me”

Shadow you daunt my view
while light peaks around the corner of my hopes
and whispers these are only dreams of you

Shadowlight, my ever present foe and friend
There is beauty in your pain
But, shall this everyday battle continue again?
Oh shadow, it is time, your beauty does end.

Shadow light.
Shadow light.
No shadow.
Light.
My love.
I have found you.

 

Non-Existence

Who are you?
You feel so far away.
Who are you?
I feel you in my blood. My veins.
Are you there God?
I’m crying out your name. Are you there? Well are you?!
Do you even know my pain?
Talk to me. God talk to me!
Am I speaking to a wall?
Where are you?
Are you there at all?
If you are…I can’t feel you. I can’t feel anything but emptiness.
Please Lord…talk to me, just say my name.

 

Transformed (2009)

I thirst to know you more
as I fight through the crowds grabbing desperately for your feet,
fighting is all I know.
They say I’m not allowed near you. I can’t. I must leave.

NO!

Let me in, let me go!
I will touch. I have to feel.
I know you’re there, so close, you’re right here.

I see you.

Just a little closer and I feel your power transform
my life
no longer mine, but yours.

My pain,
now has a reason.
My burdens I place in your strength.
I’m safe.
Transformed.
My life,
no longer mine but yours.

-Wil Staley

 

An Intro Into My Life And What’s To Come.

I came out when I was 23 and thought I had a solid foundation in Christ and my Christian faith. I spent a year or so writing for a website called lesbepure and of course blogged on my own blogs www.brokenandbruisedyetbeautiful.wordpress.com and then I lost everything. When I say I lost everything, I mean, mainly my support system. I came out and within a year almost everyone left me. I was so confused and hurt and angry, man was I ever angry. I was told “I thought you let God heal you?” as if me coming out negated everything I ever was and negated my overcoming some horrific abuse. I was lost. I was so lost. 

Fast forward to today, I am 31 and just now allowing myself to re-explore my faith. I’m learning what lies I’ve been taught and what truths have been left out. I am expanding my own mind, heart, and developing my own truth. I realize that I don’t know everything nor do I pretend to. Actually, I feel I know nothing. The only real truth I have is that I want to believe there is a God because I know the experiences I’ve had and the things I’ve felt deep in my bones. My logical side says why not believe? Who does it hurt if you do believe even if you don’t understand it all. Love is what I feel encompasses my faith and I believe God is love.

I’m learning to allow myself to grieve what I’ve lost and grow from it…feel the anger and then let it go…I have a long way to go but I will fight because that’s who I am. I’m a fighter. 

I remember as a little girl knowing I was different…knowing that if I didn’t get out of that house I would die and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I’m alive because I made a choice to run. I made a choice to get out and to make something of myself. I didn’t want to be like my stepmom or most of my family. I wanted more for my life. So I sit here wondering what is that “more”..what is it that I’m searching for? Maybe I’m searching for God, or happiness, or peace. Maybe I’m currently searching for them all. Yeah, I think that’s the case…I’m on a hunt for all of it.

I’m learning to love what I am and who I’m becoming but it’s been a long road. Thank you for allowing me another place to make my voice heard…to make my life have meaning. If you like what you read please tell me…if you want to hear more please tell me…and above all, if you ever feel alone in your pain please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m not always on top of my game but I can always love and understand.

Much love.
Wil

 

About Me – Wilma Staley

willowtreeI am but a girl, simplistic and complicated …loving, analytical, romantic, beautiful…I am me, a lover of people, a hater of hurt and broken hearts. I’m in love with a girl who’s eyes sparkle & light up my world. I’m gay and I love God, makes me a contradiction in most eyes, but fearfully and wonderfully made in the eyes of my Creator. I am what I am and I’m learning to love who I’ve become.

I want to take the girl who is broken and bruised. She sits alone at night in pain, feeling unloved and unworthy…she’s stained with memories and soiled with tears. She fears looking up because she fears the mere idea of hope. Hope in her life has only brought more pain. So, she no longer hopes, she simply lives, and only slightly. I want to take this girl, lift her chin up and teach her to hope again. I want to clothe her in white linens and teach her to dance, to sing, to breathe. I want to teach her she is worthy and beautiful. I want to bandage the scars on her arms, the pain in her heart and show her love does exist. For this girl I live, for she is the dream placed upon my heart, the hope that change can still happen in the broken and bruised…the beautiful.

 

Isaiah 59

The past two days I’ve been reading Isaiah 59.

It is such a powerful chapter to me, because it answers so many questions. The most obvious would be ‘why has God forgotten us?’ This questions is posed by the world. Usually the secular world and carnal Christians. The answer begins in verse one: ‘See, the Lord’s hand is not too short to save, nor his ear to dull to hear, Rather, your iniquities have been barriers between you and your God.’

Read more…

 

Ecclesiastical Revelations

I’m almost finished this book and I can only say that it has been thus far: refreshing!

It might be where I am in my life, in that I was so bored in my life and hated about half of my job. I have been so stressed with phones, that I thought that life couldn’t get worse. But after reading how ‘life is meaningless’ and how it appears that the ‘evil often overcomes good’ it has hit me with a strange sort of peace.

Read more…

 

Psalm 65: 4

My NKJV version reads as follows:

“Blessed is the man You choose, And cause to approach You, That he may dwell in Your courts.  We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Of Your holy temple.”

The word that strikes me is ‘courts.’ In David’s day, a ‘court’ wasn’t the place where lawyers argue over civil and criminal law. They were a place of refuge and blessing. A person in the king’s court ate well. They dressed well. They were treated well and were protected. To ‘dwell’ in the king’s court, meant that you lived there. The ‘king’ in this day, is very much like God in that you are not arrested, but you came of your own free will. The Psalmist speaks of ‘causing’ one to ‘approach’ God.

Read more…

 

Random Thoughts

Posted on 14/11 09:36
 
Hi, back again. I do plan to resume my tale, which left off sometime in 2005, but with the election over, I still find myself thinking about the past– the ideas, goals and even words I wanted to try; but didn’t.
 
Though I’m 45, part of me still feels the 20-something youth with much to say, and put out there. My kids (14 1/2, 12) say I’m different than the moms of their friends. If only they knew how right they were. But that will be a talk for a later time.

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It Has Been Soo Long

Posted on 30/10 10:25
 
Hi, all. This is Teri. It has been so long since I’ve been on here, and I finally decided it was time to come back. So I just sat down and started doing it. Let’s face it–I’m 45 now, and not getting any younger.
My mind has whirled with so many thoughts since I last posted (I think in 2011), not the least of which is my past coming back to me; kind of ‘reminding’ me of the youth who was scared to talk, scared of her feelings, and almost always listened when someone said ‘I don’t think you could do that.’ I recently watched ‘Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors’; (it came out in 1987 when I was 19); cause “Allison Dubois’ (Patricia Arquette) had a lead role in it, as the suicidal Kristen. And I had a big crush on her, my first adult crush on a female performer.

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Just Trying…

Posted on 12/04 10:42
 
I be back. Truthfully, before I resumed writing here I hadn’t thought about Alex in 3 years–when her pal Abby had contacted me out of the blue. It’s been 7 years, and my memories of the post-Alex period are hazy. I do recall the pain, and how I scrambled to keep in touch with Abby. Abby was of course hurting much more than me; they’d been BFs for years, and she was in love with Alex. A few others also came out of the woodwork–saying they’d known Alex (as Erika, her middle name) and hadn’t heard about her death.

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To Move On–Again

Posted on 06/04 10:09
 
My heart was jumping like it hadn’t in months, since Lynn had shoved me away. I was more myself in a controlled way, and I was sharing that with Tim & my kids. Just more proof that when the good juices flow, it can affect others, not just you. On February 15, Sunday, I got a late-night IM on Yahoo from Alex, saying hi, hoped I had a good Valentine’s day, and she was going to the doctor later, she’d been having dizzy spells. She wanted to be ready for the weekend. I loved any communication with her, and that was like a shot of adrenaline.

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