This is my censored biography of my life in the closet.¬† ¬†The starting point is my earliest sexual memory was at the age of 12 and how the incident was very traumatizing for me. I felt shame and guilt and it altered my personality for many years. For the sake of embarrassment I have chosen not to go into the particulars of this memory. All I can remember is the visual aspect of it and the emotions I felt. It did change my persona and it got pushed under the rug.
I was always¬† immature and had never experienced any thing of sexual nature up until that age.¬† I got no counseling and therapy for it at that time. The memory of that one event changed me, and is etched in my fragmented memory even though I attempted to suppress it.¬† I kept this secret in my mind for many years after that and never told a soul.
At that time as well I took notice of the boys in my 5th grade class. I started self gratification at that age and it followed followed me through the years after that.¬† I did research as a preteen with a dictionary and the Holy Bible which was King James version.¬† From there I deducted that Homosexuality was a sin and abomination.¬† I felt trapped as a girl in a guys body.¬†¬†
I never rebelled or acted out physically.¬† I kept it all hidden in my mind. I did not have any friends to talk to and tell,¬† I was a loner in school and shy and didn't have any friends. I went to a southern Baptist church during that time and was very active in church activities.
At the age of 18 I had a spiritual experience and ask Jesus to come into my heart! I felt His Presence as well as the Holy Spirit moved in my heart and life.¬† I devoured the Word of God and prayed in tongues.¬† That did not change the fact and I still was quiet shy and still a loner. I left home at the age of 19. I attempted to go to college and work but I dropped out of school and quit working for a extended period of time.
At the age of 24 I isolated in my apartment I secluded myself from family members and became very despondent to the things of this world.¬† Severely depressed and very paranoid, I started hearing internal and audible voices yelling at me. I experience such mental anguish that I knew I needed to get serious help. I went to a couple that introduced me to a deliverance church and the charismatic ministry. I thought I have been set free from the demonic voices and homosexuality.
I went through a season of extended ministry of deliverance and thought I had finally found freedom. I went on from there and went to a two year bible school where I met my first wife.¬† After we graduated in 1989, we got married and within the next several years adopted children.¬† My life was so much better but I still had homosexuality thoughts and hid them in my mind while I engaged in self gratification a great deal still involved in another charismatic church. I attempted to use mental warfare to fight off these so called demons.
Toward the end of my marriage I disassociated from that church. The paranoia and the voices came back worse than ever. I eventually became so scared for my life and my family, as well lost the will to fight for my family.¬† I left my family and thought it was for the best. I moved back home and went to a psychiatrist at the local mental health clinic. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in 2002 I was 38 years old as well as divorced, and still in the closet. I had told no one about my homosexual thoughts and compulsion to gratify my flesh! I was put on medications for my paranoia, plus severe anxiety and depression
The next 8 years I was single and lived alone until I met my second wife at the age of 46. I did not tell her I was gay. I was still in denial and living in fear of my great lie and to my bible knowledge fighting the fight of faith which never did work. I always fell back into my supposed sin of homosexuality!¬† ¬†I lived my whole life in condemnation that one day I would be held accountable and be flashed to hell!¬† I went through another divorced in 2019 as well. My whole life felt trashed beyond repair!¬†¬†
Then in November of 2019 I had a great epiphany and found freedom in the base fact that I am gay and that was never going to change...I didn't have to fight it any longer. It was like a light shown down and I could see the destruction that the enemy of my soul¬† had caused. It was he that stole and robbed me,¬† attempting to destroy my very existence. There was such a freedom in not fighting and that Jesus is now fighting for me!¬† My path is completely different now in knowing he intimately loves me and truly cares. I cannot change the past, but put my focus on being who God made me to be. I am beautiful in His sight and He is guarding my every step!
Coming out of the closet¬† is not a easy thing to have to do, especially in the Bible belt churches.¬† ¬†I have struggled with that the most I believe.¬† ¬†There is such a stigma and struggle around the whole LGBTQ community.¬† No leader I have been to knows exactly what to say.¬† These days I can see how my sexuality and mental health are more integrated than I thought.¬†¬†
in 2018 I was able to publish a fifty page book on my history with my mental heath struggles. I completely left out my sexual struggles. My story was very incomplete. I was afraid of shaming family members who knew the whole story.¬† Some still do not know to this day or refuse to support and deny to believe it to this day. All I know is i am not struggling any more and it is quite liberating to find that freedom.¬†
Yes I still take my medicine that has not been easy either. I have had relapses through the years and a diagnosis change to schizoaffective bipolar disorder.¬† I do wonder at times, and still do if there are others in my boat. I am here to tell you that you do not have to fight alone, there is support and freedom to be found.